


Everything's Comin' Up Clowns

by Pocket_Theremin



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Clowns, F/M, Funny, Gabriel (Supernatural) is a Little Shit, M/M, Sam Winchester Has a Fear of Clowns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-18
Updated: 2018-07-18
Packaged: 2019-06-12 16:34:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15343938
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pocket_Theremin/pseuds/Pocket_Theremin
Summary: Gabriel sabotage’s everything, and leaves Y/N to deal with a traumatized Sam, and a flirty Lucifer. At least Castiel helps them deal with Angry Dean.





	Everything's Comin' Up Clowns

“This is my life now. This is my fuckin life now! No, it’s fine, it’s great! I fuckin love it!” I huffed angrily, tossing my hands around in the air.

“I don’t see what the problem is.”

I stopped moving, lowering my arms and slowly turning towards Gabriel. I looked at him like he was crazy, and took in a loud breath through my nose. I spoke steadily and deliberately, trying to keep calm. “You don’t see the problem. You. Don’t see. The fucking problem.” I took a slow, angry breath through my nose, my tone full of venom. “You don’t see the problem,” I took a step towards him. “because you’re” I took another. “the fucking” I took one last step, getting close enough to his face to look him dead in the eyes. “cause of the problem.”

He smiled, looking off to the side with his hand resting on his chin. “Oh, yeah. I guess I am.” He tilted his head to return my stare, shrugging. “Oh well!” He was smiling happily, giving me the smarmiest possible expression in existence. I had to dig my fingers into my palm to keep from punching him in his stupid, whore face.

I angrily snorted at him, taking a step back to keep myself from hitting him in his punchable face. “Just go. I know you won’t fix this situation until one of us has “learned our lesson”, and you go on about all your stupid, preachy bullshit.”

“You got that right! And since I know when I’m not wanted, I shall take my leave.” He curtsied dramatically, and never have I ever wanted to kick someone in their balls, while wearing six-inch spiked dominatrix boots, this fucking much, in my entire life. “See ya later, hot stuff!” He winked, smirking with his stupid douche canoe face, before disappearing.

“Can I kill him?” I brought my arms up into a questioning gesture, looking around at no one in particular. I instantly regretted doing so, as I was reminded of my current predicament. “Whaelp.” I popped the ‘p’, then clicked my tongue. “Fuck.”

I stared at the miniature Impala, covered in polka dots of various colors. Whenever Dean comes back from wherever the fuck, I’m gonna have to duct tape his angry ass mouth shut. Anyone who thinks I'm dealing with that needs to get their brain checked.

Wait. I realized there was something in my hand, and brought it up to my face in concern, only to find out there was just whip there now I guess. “Least I can use this to get Angry Dean to leave me alone.” I took a long, drawn out sigh. Why archangels?

I whipped my head towards the car when I noticed the door opening, only to end up fucking shitting a brick. I blinked a few dozen times, as I watched Sam, Castiel, Lucifer, and Dean exit the car. The car that should not physically be able to hold four full grown men. I wished desperately that they would be gone when I opened my eyes. But nope! I was shit out of luck.

Sam and Dean were dressed like clowns, Castiel was wearing the gayest possible, skin tight, leopard print strongman outfit, and Lucifer was wearing a fucking lion onesie. I looked down at myself in fear, but thankfully was able to sigh in relief. Considering my other outfit choices, I’ll (begrudgingly) happily take a lion tamer uniform. Explains the whip at least.

I stayed silent as they proceeded to not freak the fuck out, like they should be doing, and just looked at me with mild confusion. They didn't bother to comment on my outfit, and started walking towards the bunker. They were immediately followed by a chorus of fucking duck noises, presumably coming from Sam and Dean's huge ass shoes. They all stopped, and started looking around at themselves and each other. Sam let out a barely audible squeak, and a very audible gulp, Castiel looked mildly confused, Lucifer looked greatly unamused, and Dean just smirked. “You know what they say about guys with big shoes.” Clearly he hadn’t seen the Impala yet.

Castiel looked at him, head tilted. “What do “they” say about men with big shoes?”

“I love how that’s what you’ve decided to focus on, out of everything in this whole fucked up situation.” I deadpanned.

He looked offended. “It’s a very understandable question.”

I didn’t respond, instead choosing to look at how the others were doing. Lucifer was not so subtly checking me out, raising his eyebrows suggestively when I looked at him, Dean was playing with his various clown accessories, and Sam was breaking. Poor little thing.

“That outfit fits you.” Lucifer smirked. “Especially the whip.”

“I don’t need your shit right now, ya stupid blonde bimbo!”

“Well, then why don’t come try and tame me? Put that whip of yours to good use.” He purred, luckily not literally, and I just ignored him. Too much shit going on at once. I groaned. Including having to point out the bloody fucking Impala to Dean.

“Dean.” He looked up from his water squirting flower pin thingy that clowns wear. I chose to hesitantly point behind him, deciding it would be more effective than words. He turned around, then froze.

“B… Baby? Baby?!” He slowly walked towards her, quacking along the way. When he came face to… bumper(?) with her, he hugged her, collapsing on the ground.

While this was happening, Sam was stuck in his own traumatized world. He slowly started walking forward, eyes widening. He looked around, as if searching for the source of the quacking. He started running, frantically searching, before realization hit him square in the face. He stopped. He looked down, and took a hesitant step. Quack. He took another. Quack. He looked directly into my eyes, voice cracking. “Fix me.”

I sighed. “I’m try-”

“Forget him, fix my Baby!” Dean looked back at me, distressed. I glared.

“What I was saying, before you oh so politely interrupted me, is that I’m trying.”

Lucifer came up behind Dean with a smirk, squatting and resting his hand on his shoulder. “And you know what they say about people overcompensating with their cars. Though I’m not sure if this is overcompensation or undercompensation.”

Dean swallowed thickly, tensely turning his head towards him. He looked him straight in the eyes, jaw clenched. “I… Will eat you.”

I opened my mouth to speak, but closed it before I did. Should I? Might as well, things are already shitty enough as is. “Kinky?”

“No! It’s not! I will literally cut off his flesh, cook it in holy oil, and eat it!” Dean yelled.

“That’s still a kink, I'm sure. I don't think that's vore, though. Is it? Hardcore vore, maybe?” I rested my hand on my chin in thought.

“What's ‘vore’?” Cas asked. Unsurprisingly.

“Fantasizing about being swallowed whole, or eaten. But, like, in a sexual way?”

He furrowed his brows, and looked at Dean pleadingly. “Dean, is it true? That you, like that?”

“NO!” He sighed gruffly, while Lucifer and I laughed. “You gotta stop poisoning his brain with that kinda stuff, Y/N. Every single time, he asks me that question! And every single time, the answer is no!” He paused to catch his breath, and then continued with a mumble to himself. “I'm surprised he hasn't asked me if I'm a furry yet.” Oh yeah, how have I not taught Cassie that yet?

“What's a ‘fur-”

“NO!” Lucifer and I laughed even harder. “Could you not do that right now? I got enough shit to deal with as is.” Dean sounded so sad, and was that a sniffle I heard? “My poor baby…” Meh, he'll get over it. Plus, Castiel’s gonna go comfort him. Yup, there he goes. As always.

“Have either of them realized how much that outfit changes this situation.” Lucifer said disgustingly, as he stared at his brother's horrifyingly skintight outfit. It really didn't leave much up to the imagination and it really wasn't pleasant for either of us. Dean, on the other hand…

“Oh, I'm sure one of them has, and it definitely isn't Cas.” I said suggestively, before shuddering. “Eugh. Bad thoughts.”

“Oh, I’m sure I can take your mind off those two, and make you think about something much more fun.” He sauntered over to me, and wrapped his arm around my waist. Fine. Two can play at this game.

“Oh?” I brought my face close to his own, and he took it as an invitation to wrap his other arm around me. “Can you also fix this Circus Hell your stupid brother is making us live through?”

“Well, I can certainly get us out of these clothes, if that will help.”

I shook my head, before removing his arms from my body and dropping them at his sides. I gestured towards Sam, who had been trying to remove his shoes for quite a while now, only to have them reappear on his feet. He was getting very desperate. “How you gonna do that when Sam can't even get his shoes off?”

“We don't have to be naked for what I'm planning. It's just preferred.”

I turned around and started walking towards the bunker, patting Lucifer's head as I walked by. “You wish.” I stopped when I got to the door. There was absolutely nothing in there that would help my situation. I already know what's going on, and the only way we'll be able to stop it is if Gabriel chooses to. And he's not gonna do that anytime soon. “Shit.”

“W-Wait! Don't leave me alone!” I turned around to see Sam frantically running up to me, stumbling every few seconds. He stared at me pitifully when he had finally made it, and I didn’t have the heart to say anything snarky.

I sighed. “Wanna help me vigorously pray at Gabriel until he gets so annoyed that he has no choice but to come fix us?”

His eyes narrowed. “I’m going to kill him.”

“Me too, buddy. Me too.” I walked into the bunker, Sam and Lucifer following, and dropped myself down onto the couch in exhaustion. Lucifer sat right next me, much closer than need be, and Sam just laid right in the middle of the floor. He stared up at the ceiling blankly, muttering something at Gabriel under his breath. Some very colorful language that I never thought I'd hear from Sam was involved. Impressive.

“Yo, Gabriel, get your ass down here and fix your bullshit!” I shouted, before looking over at Lucifer. “This counts as praying, right? Like, he'll hear this?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, Sweet. So just help me do this for the next who knows how long until Gabe gives up and fixes Sam?”

“I don't have the patience to do that for so long. Unfortunately, my little brother can be horribly stubborn.” I gave him a ‘bitch, look who’s talkin’ look’.

“Well then, what else do you propose we do?”

“I have some ideas.” He winked, and wrapped his arm around my shoulders.

I sighed in resignation. “If I give you a kiss, will you get your fat ass brother to just stop?”

He smiled maliciously, and grabbed my chin to so that I looking into his eyes. He brought his face closer to mine, before whispering. “Didn't anybody ever tell you not to make a deal with the Devil?” And then, he kissed me. It started out somewhat gentle, but he slowly increased the intensity. He wrapped his arms my waist and pulled me into his lap, as he lightly bit my bottom lip. I wrapped my arms around his neck, and parted my lips for him in return. I was then reminded of the fact that his tongue is, in fact, split in half. I pulled away from him, mainly because I needed to breath properly, but also because the tongue thing was very alarming.

He smirked, and was about to say something very sassy and narcissistic, but I cut him off with another kiss. Just a quick peck on the lips, nothing special, but I refused to be up showed in the snarkiness department. “The deal was if I kissed you, not the other way around. Now, go get your fuck of a brother, because seeing you in a onesie is very unnerving and making me very uncomfortable.”

“Only because we had a deal, if it weren't for that…” He leaned in to whisper in my ear. “We'd be continuing this in the bedroom.”

“Okay, but like, the lion onesie also makes you uncomfortable, right?”

“Very much so, yes.” And with that, he disappeared, leaving me to drop down on the couch in the space where his lap once was.

I looked down at Sam, but he seemed completely oblivious to the fact that I was literally just macking on Satan about two feet away from him. Wow, that boy is broken. I sat down on the floor next to him, and gently patted his head. “You okay there, buddy?”

He moved to look at me, and finally stopped muttering. “Why would he do something like this?” He sounded traumatized. Probably because he was.

“Cause he's a twat waffle.” I shrugged.

“But… Why did he turn me into a clown, but not turn Dean into an airplane?”

“Well, I mean, that would be significantly more difficult. Airplanes take up a lot more space than clowns.” Even when my friends are down, I can't help but to be a smartass… Whoops. Sam just looked at me with his bitchface. “Hey, don't look at me like that, I don't know how to comfort people!”

He sighed, and turned back to the ceiling. “Just leave me here to suffer alone.”

“Fair enough. I kinda shat the bed on that one.” I paused. “But, uh, hey, least you were too distracted to see Castiel's outfit. It’s, uh… It's scarier than yours.” Sam had already stopped paying attention. “Yup, sounds about right.” I muttered, as I collapsed back onto the couch. I just relaxed there until Lucifer showed back up, in his normal attire thank god, with Gabe, whom he was aggressively holding onto by the wrist. He did not look like he was having a great time. Good.

“You can let go now, Luci. I'll undo everything.” He was basically pouting, but Lucifer did let go of him. “Ruining my fun.” He grumbled, this time fully pouting. What a bitch baby. He snapped his fingers, and me and Sam were returned to our previous outfits. “There. Fixed.” He grumped, and immediately vanished. I relaxed into the couch. Finally.

“So, would you like to finish what we started?” Lucifer purred, as he sauntered closer to me.

I shrugged, smirking. “Sounds like a plan to me.”

“I'm- I'm safe!” Sam stood up in disbelief, checking his body for any residual clown. He sighed in relief, before looking at us weirdly. “Wait. I was pretty out of it, but… What were you two doing on that couch?” Oh. Guess he did notice. Oh well. I shrugged, and grabbed Lucifer's hand to lead us away from any further interruptions.

 

* * *

_A Few Days Later…_

 

“Oh, hey Gabe.” I smiled, waving him closer. Lucifer was missing, and everyone else was out on a hunt.

“Oh, uh. You're still here.” He froze. Clearly he was up to even more trickstering and ruining.

“Yup. Care to join me?” I gestured to the chair beside me, with a smile that clearly stated he had no choice in the matter. He awkwardly sat down. “So. Why'd you do it?”

“Cause. Cassy needs to accept that he's gay for Dean. Well, Dean also needs to accept that he loves him back, but it's gonna take more than just looking like he fits the part for him to accept his love for my little brother.”

“Oh, okay, so you think Cas is just gonna be like “Oh, turns out I do love Dean! And to think, all it took was Gabriel dressing me up like a raging homosexual to make me realize that fact!”? Castiel is the most dense creature I've ever met, and I highly doubt he even knows what a stereotypical gay guy looks like.”

Gabriel closed and opened his mouth like a fish, before childishly crossing his arms with a huff. “Well, it was totally worth a shot. And it was hilarious.” Can we be sure he's as old as he says he is? Because I'm pretty sure everyone who claims he's thousands of years old is lying. He's just a twat toddler. “And Dean's made sense! I was teaching him that he shouldn't care so much about what happens to his car. It's just a material possession.”

“And the clown outfit? What’d that have to do with the car?”

“Exposure therapy. Sam needs to get over his fear.”

“And dressing Sam up like one wasn't enough? You had to do the same for Dean?”

“Okay, we both know that I just did that because I wanted to see Dean look stupid in a clown costume.”

“Okay, yeah, that was pretty great. But what about me and Lucifer?”

“You're the only one he listens to! No one else has the power to make him stop eating my desserts. He doesn't even like them, he just does it out of spite!”

“Yeah, well that one also backfired on you. Now I'm just going to start encouraging him.” He whined. “Maybe even help him.”

“Well, it would be okay if you did it. You'd actually enjoy and appreciate them.”

“Got it. So, I'll just eat all your desserts from now on.”

“Is there anything I can do to make you not do that?”

“Gimme a hundred bucks. Two hundred and I'll do my best to stop Lucifer, too.”

“Deal.” He didn't even hesitate, and immediately pulled out a wad of cash from his pockets, and slammed them onto the table in front of me.

“Sweet.”


End file.
